i think my pain is like my thumb

i think my pain is like my thumb. now i know that’s a weird statement but stick with me here.

a few weeks ago, i jammed my thumbnail into the fridge, that little soft part between your thumbnail and your skin. i think it’s called the cuticle but i’m not sure. in any case, i smashed that on the edge of our very heavy fridge door. it bled and it hurt but it wasn’t tragic. even as it was all happening it felt like a mistake that i was watching on half-speed. like it was playing out in slow motion. i saw it all but i couldn’t stop it.

afterward, you could see the dark blood trying to clot but failing to do so because of where the injury happened. but eventually, it did and it scabbed and the scab fell off, revealing a dark bruise on my thumbnail below. now, the nail has slowly been growing out and i don’t feel it anymore but the pain is obviously marked on me.

so, i think my pain is like my thumb. a small moment, a jamb in the door, on an edge, where some pain is visible but most is under the surface. the marks of a bruise and blood are there. but the pain is growing out. it’s coming to the surface, slowly. there’s a dent. you can feel it if you brush your fingertips on the nail. there is damage and some of it may even be permanent but that’s okay. it has changed me. that’s undeniable. and it is still changing me. it is still something i am processing and growing with. but i’m glad that it’s growing and not stuck or infected. i am glad that i can see the pain moving, progressing, forward and out.